Simple Rules for Being a Friend to a Cancer Patient

Put one post in front of the other, and soon you'll be rolling out a blog.

So I was thinking about what an appropriate second post would be, and it occurred to me that no matter how hard cancer can be on the patient, it can be just as difficult for the patient's family and friends. It's awkward... you want to be caring, without fawning. You want to be sensitive, without being patronizing. So I figured a good place to begin this dialogue would be to offer a few simple rules to help everyone involved in a cancer patient's life navigate this tricky relationship.

1) When saying hi, don't use prolonged vowels. I was out one day at the store and a friend rushed over to me and, like the second coming, said, "Hoooooooow aaaaaaaare youuuuuuu?" It was that kind of "hello" that by its very tone and length implies something is wrong. Of course I know this person meant this only with the best intentions, but I was actually having a great day and feeling quite good, and in that moment I felt sick again. Moreover, the way she said it brought attention to me from people standing nearby, which was a bit embarrassing. There is nothing normal about having cancer, so something as mundane as a simple "how ya' doin" can bring some measure of order and peace into an otherwise chaotic journey.

2) Don't bring up "the cancer," unless the patient brings it up. It's kind of an unspoken understanding that you know that I know that you know that everyone knows, etc... And if you don't know, then the patient should be the one to tell you. When you have the big C, it can be all-consuming, but there is a limit to when and where (and why) a cancer patient may want to talk about it. If he or she doesn't mention it, don't bring it up. But that brings me to rule 3.

3) Indulge the patient if you visit him or her in the hospital. This is a touchy subject, but twice so far while receiving treatment, I have been visited by friends who spent an hour or two with me talking about nothing but their own problems. There IS a life beyond cancer, so I tried to be a nice friend and didn't say anything; however, it's probably best that you not vent about your issues to someone who is getting copious amounts of cytotoxins pumped into their veins. When you are receiving chemotherapy, your entire day is nearly planned to the minute, and you have very little control over your life. So being able to talk about the chemotherapy and any progress or updates to a friend feels a bit like taking control over your regimen. Outside of the hospital, keep conversation normal, but in the hospital, let the patient do the talking.

4) When visiting a chemo patient in the hospital, food and magazines are always welcome. I could probably start a florist/card store with all the flowers and cards I've gotten while in the hospital. AND I LOVE THEM! BUT, keep in mind that hospital food is often incredibly difficult to stomach and entertainment is, well... lacking. Your friend's dietary restrictions/appetite in mind, a very welcome gift would be a decent meal, and magazines are like gold, as they allow for hours of mindless abandonment. Very cheap and very simple, but VERY appreciated.